Achieving success should feel fulfilling and bring you tremendous joy. But there can be certain times when succeeding does not feel like winning. Sometimes, it makes you feel empty. Gwen Bortner and Tonya Kubo discuss how to address the feeling of non-satisfaction when achieving success to avoid making the wrong decisions moving forward and experiencing an identity crisis. From revisiting your set goals to making a complete mindset shift, they present practical tips on overcoming this inner struggle.
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Why Success Without Satisfaction Feels Like Failure
You’ve hit your revenue goals. You build your team. Maybe you even have achieved that elusive freedom and flexibility in your schedule. The one that gets us all to open up our own business and yet if you’re honest, it just doesn’t quite feel like you thought it would. If your success feels hollow, you’re not broken but you might be measuring the wrong things.
When Your Success Feels Not Good Enough
In this episode, Gwen and I are going to talk about why sometimes and I would say all the time, success without satisfaction feels like a failure and how you can redefine success so that it feels good for you right where you’re at. Gwen, I want to start this off with you telling me maybe you’ve had this example or maybe somebody has had this example. Have you ever had an experience where you’ve achieved a big milestone but it just feels like blah? It’s almost like the day after Christmas.
I think everyone has experienced that at some point in time and there’s a couple reasons it can happen. I know for one of mine years and years ago, it was me getting my book published. Part of it is that it was a big goal. It was a long goal. It wasn’t a goal that I had ever set out to do. It was one of those things that writing a book was not on my list and before I die, “I want to write a book.” As things happened and unfolded, it was like, “I know this book needs to be written. It needs to come out of me. This does need to happen,” but it’s a long process.
You write it and you think all of these things are going to happen. Probably some of them do but they rarely live up to your expectations of what they were. It’s the classic where you set expectations or goals or emotions around a thing that probably has minimal chance of delivering those things. You get there and it’s good. You got there. You did all the things but somehow, it’s not quite good enough for what you were hoping for.
That’s one of the challenges that we often have. We are postponing our satisfaction, our joy, our whatever until we reach the goal. We get to the goal and we realize that it didn’t deliver the joy, the satisfaction, or whatever thing is. That’s one of the places where we can have a huge letdown. My book, by all accounts by everything that you would measure was completely successful. It did all of the things. There’s a fairly good list to it but I also remember thinking, “This wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.”
I love that you use the example of a book because this is almost always true in the publishing space. First of all, a lot of people spend way more time wanting to write a book and wanting to publish a book than it takes to do it. Second, a lot of people believe because once you publish a book, you go from writer to author. You’re an author and they think being an author is going to give them all this validity, expertise and respect.
They realize that there is no difference the day that their book comes out than they were the day before. The person who went to bed the night before is still the person who wakes up in that bed. Most people around you don’t care that you wrote a book. Whatever comes out of your mouth has no more or less importance to them than it did before the book came out.
That’s a very good example and it also brings me to thinking about like, why does this matter? Why does empty success matter? On one hand, you don’t need to feel good about it. You’ve got enough money. You can go do other things to make yourself feel good. I do think that when we’re living this life, that’s outwardly successful that doesn’t feel internally fulfilling. Things start to feel harder than they are and that leads to resentment and burnout.
Sometimes, it can lead to an identity crisis. We start convincing ourselves, “We’re not as good as we thought we were.” We start saying that even though we’ve got the zeros in the bank account that show success. We start telling ourselves we’re not as accessible as we think we are, or we start worrying about everybody finding out our deep dark secret.
Three Reasons Why You Are Unsatisfied With Success
The latter is bigger. We don’t want anyone to know that we’re disappointed. Either because we feel like it’s a big deep dark secret or it’s the other side of it. Which is, you’ve got all the success and you’re not grateful for it? You’re not appreciative of it? It’s like, I am but it’s not doing what I wanted it to do. That’s where the challenge is. There’s several what I’m going to call iconic ways that this happens. One is we believe when we get to X, whatever goal post or whatever target that is whatever or however we’ve defined that, that somehow a whole lot of things are going to be different.
Sometimes, there are some things that are going to be different. I’m not going to say there’s nothing different because that’s never true either. It’s rarely the things that we thought were going to be different. It’s like what you were just saying, the person who went to bed yesterday who did not yet have a book published and the person who wakes up now who does have a book published is the exact same person. It didn’t change us. That’s one iconic way that we get stuck because we think things will be different when and things aren’t different when. That’s one.
When we finally achieve our goal, a whole lot of things are different. Your success might feel different as well. Share on XAnother version of it is where we have changed as part of the journey and what we wanted no longer is what we wanted. Not that what we wanted wasn’t right. It was what we wanted at the time but it’s no longer appropriate for where we are now. It’s just because numbers are easy, it could be what I want is a solid six figure business. You get to a solid six figure business and you say, “I’m not satisfied with that.”
Maybe it’s because what you realize is, “What I want is a seven-figure business and all the things that go with it.” Maybe you also realize, “What I want is a lower six-figure business that doesn’t have any of the responsibility that I had before.” It could go both ways. It could be bigger, but it also could be like, “I got here. I don’t want all of the things that come with this but I could not have known it without doing the things first.”
Often, we don’t give that part enough credit. We seem like, “I should have known that I wouldn’t want all of these things.” Sometimes, we don’t know until we get there. That’s another big issue. The third one is a version of where we say we’re hitting the goal, but we’re not hitting the goal because we’re always moving goal posts. We say, “What I want is a seven-figure business.” At the moment that we’ve done a million dollars in sales, we say, “What I meant was a stable million-dollar business.”
We’re like, “We needed to be stable,” then we say, “Stable means that it’s like mid-seven.” We just keep moving those goal posts because we’ve been taught not to stop and appreciate how far we came. There’s probably more but those are the three versions that popped into my head as we started talking about this. Most entrepreneurs will fall into one of those at some point in time.
How To Shift Your Perspective Towards Success
Regardless of which one you fall into, it typically all ends the same, burned out, resentful, full of self-doubt, or overworking. You’re constantly like trying to outrun whatever demons. What I’m curious about though is, say you’re there. How do you shift out of there? The person who’s sitting there going, “This isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, but I faked it till I made it. Now, I’m here and I don’t want to fake it anymore but I’m still having a fake it.” How do you shift from that into a place that feels more aligned?
The first is being clear of what did the thing that you were trying to achieve. What was the result that you were wanting out of that? We talked about this a lot. We tend to focus on income because it’s an easy measurement. We know how to measure money. It’s one that we can measure super easily within our businesses. It’s the easiest KPI to track and easiest thing to set goals around. There are probably some exceptions out there but very few of us are motivated by the money. We’re motivated by what the money can create or do for us or allow for us to do.
The first is to say, what is the thing that motivates us? What are we trying to go for? Once we know that, it’s the standard like, ask yourself why five times. Why is that important? Trying to get down to the actual root cause of it. Now, I did have some disappointment with my book but I only had a tiny bit compared with several others of my friends who were published with the same publisher who had very similar paths that I did. I know enough of their context to know that we had similar kinds of context.
A lot of them were way more disappointed in their publishing experience than I was within a year of each other because I had different expectations of why I was publishing the book. I knew why I was publishing the book. I was not publishing it for the royalties. Most people are publishing the book with this belief of what the royalties are going to bring you. Unless you’re James Patterson or Stephen King or somebody that is a household name. Royalties rarely are doing what you think they should be doing.
I was looking for the royalties to basically cover my cost of writing the book in the first place and it did that. I was okay from that financially, but what I knew for me is that would allow me more opportunities to teach at yarn shops. This was a yarn book, and that’s what I got. Understanding what’s my real motivation for this. Now, as I said there were still some disappointments in that. It didn’t get me quite as much as I thought. There were other things around, but I didn’t have as much disappointment as a lot of folks because I knew what my motivation was and I stayed focused on my motivation. Which for me was to be able to teach more.
You weren’t looking at the book to define your success or even your level of professionalism.
It was one of the things that I joked about the whole time. Somehow, I became a much better teacher the day that the book came out, even though I know the reason the book was good. It was because I was a way better teacher way before the book came out.
I can sum up what you said as being, if you’ve achieved what you thought would be successful or outward success but it’s not feeling successful. The first thing that you want to do is take some time to think about a journal or write about, but identify what it is you thought you would be getting at this point. Some other examples are maybe you thought you had at this level, you wouldn’t have to work nights anymore or you wouldn’t have to work weekends anymore. Maybe you thought at this level you wouldn’t be on call.
Maybe you thought that at this level you wouldn’t have to market your business anymore. Everybody would come calling on you. These are all different things that you may associate with a certain level of success. First, you want to identify what is it that you thought you were going to get that you don’t feel like you have or if you did get what you thought you were going to get, what is it that is not satisfactory?
One of the things that we see a lot in the clients that we work with is part of what they realize when we start working together is although they’ve achieved the goal, the goal wasn’t ever their goal. It was society’s goal. It was their family’s goal or their spouse’s goal. It was some story in their heads that this will equal that. When you can get clear and say, “These two things have nothing to do with one another. What does matter is.” That’s the point that then we can start thinking about how do we realign what we’re doing to more closely match the thing that we care about that will bring us satisfaction and is motivating to us. Not because we are supposed to be motivated by it but because we are motivated by it.
Practical Steps On Making Your Success Fulfilling
Now I want to talk about just some practical steps because we’ve talked about why this happens, what are the negative consequences of it happening, and how to make the shift. Let’s talk about the practical steps. Offer some practical tips on how to get from here to there. Let’s just say I thought a six-figure business would give me a fully funded retirement account and also let me volunteer at my kid’s school twice a week.
What I have now found is that my six-figure business requires a 60-hour work week from me. I know what I thought this was going to get me. I see what’s different and now I know my actual definition of success is my retirement account fully funded and am I able to volunteer two days a week at my kid’s school, which would be approximately during the hours of say 8:00 and 2:00. What are the steps I need to take in order to get to that actual reality I want?
The first thing is what we call the differential. Which is to say, what I’m making is X and what I need to make is Y. Maybe it’s the same but what I’m working is 60 hours and what I need to work is 30 hours. Wherever any of those differentials are. Start defining where I am versus where I need to be to hit those goals. We have to start saying, what has to change to make those things happen? This is very counterintuitive when it comes to time but sometimes all we have to do with time is create our own boundaries and stick to them.
A lot of times when people say, “I’m just working way too many hours.” When we start getting down to it, it’s like, “Why am I able to get the exact same amount of work done in half the hours?” It’s because you’re only doing the work that you need to do and you aren’t filling it with a lot of busy and other things. If you’re like me, you were raised with parents whose hard work is the answer. You’ve got this mindset of, “If I’m not working all the time, I’m not valuable.”
You can accomplish the same amount of work with less time if you only do the things you actually need to do. Share on XSometimes it’s about, how much time do I need for this work? Maybe in this example, you do have 60 hours of work and you only can work 30. The question becomes, how do we reduce the hours and maintain the income? There’s lots of ways to do that. It comes down to what’s going to be the best way for you. Maybe you bring in some people to help with some of the aspects of it. That’s going to keep your income the same but now your expenses are going to go up. Which means you probably need to raise your income to be able to support the additional expenses so that your actual money that you’re taking out of the business is the same.
Back to looking at these differentials to say, where do things change? It could be, I’m going to work with half as many clients and I’m going to charge them twice as much. That could be a way to do it. Maybe you’re not in a position to do that, either because your level of expertise can’t justify that rate. Maybe you can’t mentally or even externally say, “I’m going to charge you X amount.” Maybe you don’t know how to find those clients. There are all sorts of reasons, but there’s multiple ways to start figuring out what are the ways.
The way I would generally start is to know what your differentials are and brainstorm. Put every idea no matter how crazy it is, on the table and say, “What are all the ways that I could possibly fix this differential? What can I do to make this differential as small as possible?” Once you start doing that, often what you’ll see is like, this idea by itself is crazy but if I take a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I can combine it.” All of a sudden, we’re getting very close. That’s the power of entrepreneurs because their visionaries and creative. They have lots of ideas.
This is one of those places we want to apply all of that creativity and that visionary. All of those ideas. Don’t just stick with what people say will work. There are lots and lots of answers way more than you’re even aware of. Come up with as many and as crazy as you can. Once you start doing that, say, “This is a way we can start making it and go for adjusting that differential as much as you can.” One of the things they’re friend Nick Peterson says, which is also important, is to say, “Start making choices that get you closer to your answer instead of choices that will take you around the way to your answer.” The fastest way to your answer is a straight line.
A Quick Discussion Wrap-Up From Tonya
First of all, what we have done is helped our readers to appreciate that you can’t decouple success from satisfaction without feeling some measure of failure. It just never feels good if you’re not both successful and satisfied with the success. I love a lot of your examples because all of them are tied to the fact that financial success in and of itself doesn’t guarantee fulfillment. In fact, what we have found a lot of times with women, it doesn’t. Women tend to not be financially driven. Not that they’re not motivated to make sales. That’s two different things. It’s just that the money in and of itself is not fulfilling.
Financial success in and of itself does not guarantee fulfillment. Share on XIt’s always the money for what that means to them.
It’s what the money gets.
Whether it’s the house being cleaned by somebody else or it’s a super nice vacation. Most of the time, it’s about what it gets. Sometimes, it’s about providing stability because I am a single mother with two kids. There’s a whole range of what it can be providing but it’s usually not about the money.
If your thought process is that this money is going to create all of these other things that money doesn’t have the power to do. Money doesn’t have the power to make your marriage stronger, in many cases. Money doesn’t have the power to make your kids like you more than they already do. Money doesn’t buy those sorts of transformations then the success can feel very empty.
You have to find a way to align the success metrics with the personal values. We talked quite a bit about redefining success for the stage of business you’re at. Sometimes that success is more free time and sometimes that success may be more authority, more autonomy. You walk us through a pretty nice, just very linear path of decision-making to get from here to there. Those practical ways to create both the financial success you need but also that personal satisfaction that you desire. That’s going to prevent burnout and resentment. We’ve come to a good spot. Do you have anything else to add, Gwen?
The hardest part for all of us to do and we talk about it all the time. It’s the title of the show, the Business You Really Want. The hardest part of it is to own what you want as what you want. Particularly when it’s not the same as what most of the rest of the world wants or what they want for you.
What they think you should want.
Give yourself permission to pursue and celebrate your definition of winning success. Share on XThey think that you should want to because almost always the dissatisfaction is, “I got to the thing and I don’t care about the thing but someone told me I should care about the thing.” Whatever it is. When we can be clear and say, “The thing that I care about, the thing that motivates me is.” It can be bizarre. It can make absolutely no sense to anybody else on the planet so long as it is your motivation. If you get there, I can assure you, you are going to feel so much more satisfied than with anything else that’s currently going on.
We’ve got to be okay knowing that when we achieve the thing that satisfies us, particularly if it feels oddly bullish. There’s going to be a lot of blowbacks from other people saying, “That’s not the right thing to want. That’s not the right thing to achieve.” You have to know what’s yours. That’s the hardest part about this and it’s okay to say, “This makes me happy.” I realize it wouldn’t make you happy but it makes me happy.
It’s giving yourself permission to pursue your definition of winning or success and celebrating it.
That’s the owning part, to be okay. When someone pushes back and says, “Really, this is what you wanted?” You say, “Yes, this is what I wanted.”
Episode Wrap-Up And Closing Words
I love that. If you are in this place like if you’ve been reading this episode and you’re just like, “There are so many. I am so there now.” Please, follow Gwen’s steps and try to find yourself a path out of it. Now, if you want some help, it’s time for a clarity call. Cut to the chase, get some outside perspective and dig into what matters to you and how to build a business that feels successful. Not just looks successful. You can get on Gwen’s calendar at EverydayEffectiveness.com/Clarity. It will be about a twenty-minute call, but you can take at least one to two steps to get from here to where you want to be.
Mentioned in This Episode
About Your Hosts
Gwen Bortner has spent four decades advising executives and entrepreneurs in 45+ industries. She helps women succeed in business without sacrificing happiness by identifying their true desires and aligning their business functions. She spots overlooked bottlenecks and crafts efficient plans toward sustainable success that center your values and priorities. Known for her unique approach to problem-solving and accountability through the G.E.A.R.S. framework, Gwen empowers clients to achieve their definition of success without sacrificing what matters most.
Tonya Kubo is a marketing strategist and community builder who helps entrepreneurs build thriving online communities. As co-host of The Business You Really Want and Chief Marketing and Operations Officer (CMOO) at Everyday Effectiveness, she keeps conversations on track and ensures complex business concepts are accessible to everyone. A master facilitator with 18+ years of experience in online community building, Tonya takes a people-first approach to marketing and centers the human experience in all she does.
